(Originally written April 1986)

As everyone knows, the British charts (the "Top 40" kind of charts, not the indie charts) are a complete rip-off and very often don't reflect sales at all. Even though this is the case, I've decided to do an article on the Damned's chart placings throughout the years. The pathetic position that most of the singles reached just goes to show that most of the record buying public are a complete bunch of prats and the charts are just bollocks.
Way back in '76, when the record industry was in the process of getting a giant boot up the arse, many of the new punk records only sold in small numbers. However, New Rose was the first "real" punk single, so did make a small dent on the charts. At its peak it reached the amazing position of 67 (or possibly 68)!! The follow-up single Neat Neat Neat may have just entered the Top 75 and no more but I have no idea what number it reached. 
The Damned were now falling apart and both Problem Child and Don't Cry Wolf sold badly (though not as badly as Music For Pleasure was destined to sell) and made no impression on the charts.
As everyone knows, the Damned were not Doomed, only slightly Dimmed for a while. In April '79, much to the annoyance of the music press who had written them off long before, the Damned smashed into the charts with Love Song, which by reaching number 20 was to be their best selling single for nearly 7 years. On their way to reaching number 20, two appearances were made on Top Of The Pops (HA) which were great; the band showing off how they were really just nice, quiet boys at heart.
Smash It Up looked set to follow in the footsteps of Love Song until the BBC, as usual being stupid cretins, banned it. After all, the impressionable public must be protected from such riotous anarchic songs. The single still reached number 35 though.
I Just Can't Be Happy Today was considered acceptable (but what about the middle bit… surely they're talking about anarchy, shock horror!!) and once again the Damned were on TOTP (booo!). This time though the record didn't do as well, reaching the position of number 46.
After a space of 10 months (which saw the departure of Algy Ward and the arrival of Paul Gray) History Of The World Part One was released to critical acclaim (in most cases). Seeing quite a change in style to much of the earlier stuff, it didn't sell as well as might've been expected, reaching the position of 51.
It is a crime that There Ain't No Sanity Clause didn't get anywhere at all in the charts. Compared to all the forgettable crap that is in there all the time, Sanity Clause is just pure brilliance and should've been number one (whatever that means now).
After that disaster, the Friday the 13th EP smashed into the amazing position of number 50, further proving there's no justice in this world (especially considering the single was made up of four equally great tracks… or make that three equally great tracks and one stupendous track in the shape of The Limit Club).
No matter what style they took, the Damned could still not get a record into the Top 40 in the 80's. Lovely Money was no exception, reaching the uncosmic(!) position of 42.
The first single from the great Strawberries LP did even worse. Though Dozen Girls has been described as a "classic pop song", the kind of people that buy "pop" records didn't agree and it only reached the position of 75. 
The Generals single managed to do even more badly and didn't get anywhere at all.
It was about this time that all the Big Beat rip-off singles were about, from Smash It Up and Love Song in early '82, to Lively Arts in '83. Although these singles all reached the indie charts top ten, they never made any impression on the other chart.
After another long gap in which Paul Gray left and Bryn Merrick joined, Thanks For The Night was finally released on the small independent label +1 Records. It showed the more punk edge of the Damned compared to the last three singles. Released in 8 different formats (though not all at the same time!) it only reached the position of number 42.
After yet another long gap (there's a lot of gaps in the Damned's career) in which good old Captain left, Grimly Fiendish was released to a varied reception. People still bought it though, and to the annoyance of those who spend all their time saying the Damned are dead, reached the excellent position of number 21. All the music papers suddenly seemed to forget that Love Song had reached number 20 and claimed that Grimly was their best selling single ever. For some unknown reason the Damned never got on TOTP (they were probably hoping it was a just a one-off hit and that they'd go away if they were ignored).
They were wrong of course and Shadow Of Love did nearly as well. Helped by an appearance on TOTP (they finally realised that ignoring them didn't work) it reached the position of number 24.
Taking a third single off the album was going a bit far and although Is It A Dream? was a really good single, it didn't do as well as the other two, only reaching the position of 39.
1986 was destined to see the best selling Damned single ever. For many years they'd been wanting to do a cover of Paul and Barry Ryan's Eloise (it was no.2 in their "Star Choice" in '79). Helped by a lot of airplay for a change, and lots of TV appearances, the single entered the charts at 18 and then moved up to number 3. Although it's great to see the Damned get the success they deserve so much, it's horrible to think of all these mindless horrible little popkids buying the records…URGH!!!…
With a new single set to precede the new LP in September who knows if the Damned's popularity will continue to be as high as it is now…