[Originally written August 1988]

What follows is the conversation we had with Captain after his gig at the Fife Aid festival on 23rd July 1988. There were a few different people asking the questions, so topics keep changing about. But it almost makes sense!
Interview by Dave, Tim, Sean, Andy and possibly someone else.

(CAPTAIN SIGNING RECORDS WITH THE USUAL "FUCK THE QUEEN" ETC)
Cap: You know that geezer out of New Model Army right? The bloke with the teeth missing… I said the fucking Queen's an old fucking bag… sling 'er out, chop 'er fucking head off, what do I care… and he said "Oh I think they're great the royals". He thought they were really good you know? What's he talking about?
IS HE HERE TODAY?
Cap: Yeah, somewhere. I think he's supposed to be doing links.
(SPOTTING A SUGAR & SPITE BADGE)
Cap: You're the one that did that fucking thing! That thing that had a picture of me and that girl in, and I had to hide it from my girlfriend. I had to hide it 'cos of that page with the dodgy picture! I could've got in terrible trouble!
WHAT'S THE SITUATION LIKE WITH WRECKLESS ERIC FOR GIGS THEN?
Cap: Oh we're gonna do some more. The thing is, me and him are so broke… get the violins out… we're so skint. We did this 'cos it was a good cause and all that stuff, but we're not gonna do any charity gigs at all. We're doing it purely and simply for the cash. We're fucking broke.
IS PAUL GONNA BE THE FULL TIME BASSIST OR NOT?
Cap: I'd like him to but I haven't asked him. He's sort of doing something with Fastway whatever they are.
THAT'S EDDIE CLARKE'S BAND
Cap: I'd rather he did this to be quite honest. It can be better than that… that's only after a day and half's rehearsals. I borrowed that amp… I didn't like that amp they gave me… a Roland Jazz Chorus. 
NOT YOUR STYLE
Cap: No, not really is it?!
HAVE YOU KNOWN ERIC FOR A LONG TIME THEN? SINCE THE OLD DAYS?
Cap: Yeah, we were both ripped off by Dave Robinson from Stiff Records. We both sit there and tell horrible stories about how much money we're fucking owed. His best one is, he phoned up Dave Robinson four years after he left Stiff Records and he said [puts on accent] "hows it stand now, me and the royalties, I mean come on Dave, 'ow's it going you know, do you owe me any money?" And Dave Robinson said "well to be quite honest Eric, you owe me about £65,000". So he said, "oh right Dave, thanks very much". So Eric got the cheque book and he wrote "Pay Dave Robinson : about £65,000" and he sent it off to Stiff Records!
[SIGNING MORE RECORDS WITH "FUCK THE POPE"]
HE'S YOUR FAVOURITE ENEMY THIS WEEK IS HE?
Cap: Well he's a fucking arsehole to be quite honest. I mean what good has he done you? Fuck the fucking pope, he's a fucking wanker.
HOW'S THE ALBUM DOING THAT YOU'RE RECORDING AT THE MOMENT?
Cap: I haven't done any more on it to be quite honest, the reason being that we haven't got any money to record it.
EVERY TIME I PHONE UP TIN PAN ALLEY THEY SAID YOU WERE AT HOME RECORDING IT
Cap: No I do my demos at home.
DO YOU REMEMBER THE TOWN & COUNTRY CLUB WITH THE PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE RADISHES? HAVE YOU GOT THEM DEVELOPED YET?
Cap: Sorry, you'll have to start again
THE PHOTOS WITH THE RADISHES
Cap: With the what shoes?
THE RADISHES!
Cap: Oh the radishes! I thought you said the ballet shoes! You've got a great accent there.
[STILL SIGNING STUFF]
Cap: What a terrible picture. It makes me look like I've got a big nose or something! Did I take any snaps? I haven't got the money to get the film processed.
I SENT A LETTER DOWN TO TIN PAN ALLEY WITH AN SAE ENCLOSED AND NEVER GOT A REPLY
Cap: Oh I'm really bad. I can't get it together. I will, I promise! Someone sent me a thing once, and it said please get this off as soon as possible, reply as soon as possible. It was something really important, I dunno what it was, and I found the letter about three years later! I wrote back to them and said eh, sorry about that, but I found your letter, it was down the back of the fucking cistern in the khazi! Which wasn't true! I'm just useless with letters, I can't write letters.
[SIGNING MORE RECORDS AND SEES "LONG LOST WEEKEND" LP]
Cap: What's this?
A BIG BEAT CLASSIC… ONE NEW TRACK
Cap: Oh that makes sense. What's Sugar & Spite? Oh it's that awful b-side that me and Rat knocked up together, just grunting and groaning in the background. What a rip-off… fancy putting that on. What's Over The Top?
IT'S THE ONE YOU DID WITH MOTORHEAD
Cap: I don't remember that.
WHEN YOU DID BALLROOM BLITZ
Cap: I remember trying to record a Motorhead track in the studio, and Rat Scabies, he got some girl on the pool table, absolutely pissed, and the drummer from Motorhead was so sloshed that he couldn't pick the sticks up. So I imagine it's just me, Lemmy, Dave and Rat. These are all things that have been out before, years ago. I've got no say in any of this stuff.
WHAT'S BEEN ALL THE HOLD-UPS TODAY?
Cap: I dunno. It's nothing to do with me.
ARE TRANSVISION VAMP HERE TODAY?
Cap: Who are they?
THEY'RE AT NUMBER FIVE…
Cap: Are they? In the charts? I don't listen to Radio 1. What's the test score though?
WHY DIDN'T YOU DO HAPPY TALK TODAY THEN?
Cap: Cos I respect my audience, that's why! Shit that was. You know that song Whole Wide World, the Monkees covered that you know. Really.
WHAT, WHEN THEY DID THAT COMEBACK TOUR?
Cap: Yeah, when they did the comeback tour. They recorded that song. That's a real mega thing you know.
WHO'S YOUR DRUMMER AT THE MOMENT?
Cap: That geezer? He's the drummer from the Cleaners From Venus, who you'll probably never have heard of.
WE WENT DOWN TO SEE THEM AT CAMDEN DINGWALLS, BUT THEY'D ALREADY PLAYED. YOU WERE THE DJ THAT NIGHT
Cap: Oh yeah, was you throwing the cans then?
NO WE WERE AT THE BAR!
Cap: I played two Rolf Harris tracks, and all these fucking cans came up! Who throws cans at a DJ?!
YOU DID THAT STUFF AT A VOICE OF AMERICA GIG AT THE LIMELIGHT. GOD KNOWS WHAT IT WAS YOU WERE PLAYING!
Cap: Great gear… lots of Gary Glitter, Donny Osmond. I saw Gary Glitter recently… he's still fat… he still knows what he's up to!
ARE THE CLEANERS FROM VENUS STILL GOING THEN?
Cap: Yeah, their new album's out on my label. I signed them up out of the kindness of my heart, ha ha ha, fuck off!
HOW'S THE TOYS TAKE OVER SELLING?
Cap: It's in the pan, it's in the fucking khazi.
[LOOKING AT MORE LP COVERS]
Cap: Oh god, what an 'orrible picture! Look, I'm not that ugly guys! I'm not! What a terrible picture.
DO YOU KNOW ROUGHLY WHEN YOU MIGHT BE TOURING THEN?
Cap: Yeah, soon…
NEXT WEEK?
Cap: Eh, no, not that soon. Give us a chance, we've got to learn the songs yet. We will do something soon, like in about a month.
WHAT KIND OF PLACES? ANY IDEA?
Cap: Well, wherever will have us and pay us lots of money. I don't care where I play as long as they pay me. I'm really broke… get the violins out again. I'm on me soapbox now… I'm fucking skint!
START BUSKING THEN! COME ON!
Cap: [singing] Happy talky talky happy talk etc etc. Go out busking? I'll give you fucking busking! 
WAS THERE A VIDEO MADE FOR TOYS TAKE OVER?
Cap: No, we couldn't afford one. But we had a couple of tossers up on stage tonight. There was some people from this thing, but I had some tossers that we brought up from London, they were filming as well. So we're gonna clip some of that in. They got some of the cans coming up and we're gonna have that in the video.
IT LOOKED LIKE THE MAIN CAMERA DIDN'T COME ON UNTIL HALF WAY THROUGH THE SET
Cap: I know they've been having a lot of problems with the video, but that's tough on them. It's fucking tough at the top.
DOES ANYONE EVER ASK YOU TO GUEST ON THEIR RECORDS?
Cap: No hardly anyone. Most people think I'm gonna turn up and just get pissed and not do anything. But I like to play on other people's records… but nobody ever asks me.
ARE DOLLY MIXTURE FINISHED FOR GOOD NOW 'COS THEY'VE BEEN VERY QUIET FOR A LONG TIME?
Cap: Yeah, Rachel can't work with them. She says they're a bit strange. Oh I could tell you stories! You know Debsy, the dark haired one [PUTS ON POSH VOICE] Hello, my name's Debsy! Her parents sent her to stage school and she went to a public school as well. She reckons she's the bees knees. She made Rachels life a living hell for five years in Dolly Mixture. I mean, she won't even have Debsy round to the fucking house. Debsy's a fucking arsehole! Dreadful woman!
HESTER, SHE'S ALRIGHT ISN'T SHE?
Cap: Hester's incredibly strange. She doesn't like men, not that that's… I dunno, maybe it is a bit strange. I borrowed this blokes video camera, and the girls were upstairs, and they came walking down the stairs. Rachel walks down, you know, a tub of lard, Hester comes down "hello my name's Hester", all this bit, and then Debsy, she sees the camera and goes swanning down the stairs… stupid bitch! You know she doesn't do it for a joke… she means it. 
SO HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO DO THE WORK YOU DID WITH THEM?
Cap: It was fucking hard work to be quite honest. Dreadful women! I was working with them once, and I went down the pub, and when I got back my synthesizer had disappeared from the control room. I thought "where the fuck's me synth", you know, I'd just bought it and really liked it and all this stuff.. So it wasn't there in the control room and I said to the engineer "where's me synth" and he said "well what can I say?" so I thought there's something going on here. I thought someone had nicked it. Anyway, I found it next time I went to the pisser… it was propped up next to the urinals. Fucking cows!
SO IT WASN'T ALL AS HAPPY AND SMILING AS IT SEEMED?
Cap: Oh it was alright at times you know. I mean Hester used to hit me. I said she was… you know... I said she was a silly tart to be quite honest! "Ain't you got some washing up you could be getting on with?" Ha ha ha!
WHAT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING WITH THIS LP YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?
Cap: I've just done the next single and all I've gotta do is put a b-side together. I like what you said about that b-side [S&S ISSUE 5] and I really think that's one of the best things I've ever done. I'm gonna spend a lot of time doing the b-side. I spend more time putting the b-sides together than I do the a-sides. But I'll never match The Coward Of Treason Cove. I'll never beat it 'cos it's a winner. I'm putting something together like the Coward, only not the Coward. It's got more off the wall stuff on it. I hope you like it anyway!
WHAT'S THE NEW SINGLE CALLED? IS IT OFF THE ALBUM?
Cap: It's called So Excited, but it's better than the version we did then. It's a cover. You know, Radio 1 likes covers. 
A NUMBER ONE AGAIN, LIKE HAPPY TALK?
Cap: Oh you're joking of course. If I get to number one again I'll buy everyone ten thousand fucking…
PINTS?!
Cap: Pints of beer… yeah! No… ten! I'll buy everyone… and you can hold me to this, I'll buy everyone ten pints…
HE'S TAPING THIS!
Cap: [COMING CLOSE TO THE MIC] I'll buy everyone ten pints of beer, only ten you bastard, and you're only getting a fucking half as well you tightwad fucking scumbag!!
[PAUL GRAY APPEARS IN BACKGROUND]
Cap: Paul! Gray! Gray ya pillock! Piss off Gray! Look at that, that's bizarre… over there…
WHAT?
Cap: No, there really was… there was someone in the field! Now you all think I'm crazy, but honestly! There was a little head there! I'm sure I saw something. There's some bad acid around isn't there?! There it is… there! Gimme some of what he's had!
WHAT WAS THE IDEA OF COMING ON WITH THAT VEIL OVER YOUR FACE AT THE TOWN & COUNTRY CLUB?
Cap: Oh I bought that thing in Abu-bleedin'-Dabi! I went out with Dolly Mixture to do some gigs out there. They hate me, they really hated me, I don't know why. I bought the yashmak , and all the girls came back through Heathrow Airport with the yashmaks and I had all the flowing white cape. I just think it's really strange; I wanted to make a point. Nobody understands what I'm on about you know. I just think that all that stuff is really anti-women, and women are alright and shouldn't be abused. Everyone just thinks I wore it cos I'm a pisshead and thought it was good fun. It's like when I jump around on stage with no clothes on they think "oh Captain's pissed again", which is probably true you know, I just honestly don't think that clothes are the most necessary thing of all time. 
WERE YOU LUCKY TO GET ON TODAY, WITH ALL THE DELAYS AND EVERYTHING?
Cap: What I did was I went up to the cubicle… actually I gave someone a blowjob in the khazi! I went up to the cubicle and said to this bloke that we wanted to get on as quick as we possibly can and they let us on, But if we'd been going on one position later we probably wouldn't have been allowed to.
THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN HASSLE IF YOU HADN'T PLAYED!
Cap: I'll tell you, there was a lot of turbulence on that plane. I really suffered on the way up.
YOU REALLY FLEW UP?
Cap: Yeah!
WHO PAID FOR THAT THEN?
Cap: These fuckers!
THEY SHOULD MAKE YOU PAY YOUR OWN WAY!
Cap: What, get up in a transit?! You want us to travel in a transit?! Let the Damned travel in transits, ha ha ha. Are you still taping this?
YEAH!
Cap: You bastard! The Damned ought to travel in limousines, they deserve it… especially Rat, ha ha ha. Rat deserves his own limo, good luck to him!
YOU KNOW YOU RELEASED THE SPORTING LIFE THING… ACCORDING TO HIM HE DIDN'T KOW YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT!
Cap: He didn't know I was gonna release it, ha ha ha! He said to me "eh, Cap, come up and play on my track, know wot I mean, quids in, blah blah" so I went up and played a bit of keyboards.
WHAT TRACK'S THAT THEN?
Cap: Oh it's something he was gonna release as a single. So I said to him "by the way Rat, you come down and play on this track I'm doing for Artists For Animals, charity, know wot I mean?", so he said "alright Cap, I'll come down". So I thought how can I sell a few more of these singles, so I thought I'll get ol' Rat's thing out, really con the punters, you know what I mean! Ha ha ha. So I whacked it out, I thought he played good drums on it actually.
YEAH HE DID
Cap: I couldn't sing it, the pitch was too low. In fact I still can't sing it, I played it tonight. You see the girl holding up the lyrics? Isn't that embarrassing!
WHEN DID YOU ACTUALLY RECORD THAT THEN?
Cap: About two or three months ago. Time really roles on I'll tell ya. It seems like only yesterday [STARTS HUMMING SOME TUNE… GOD KNOWS WHAT IT IS, THEN STARTS SINGING]… when Dave Vanian was skulking in a graveyard one night. You ought to get that and bung it in a fucking sampler… Dave-DDDave-DDD… you know, whatever these people do! You could have a hit record, and I'll have 10% of the royalties!
BY THE WAY, TONIGHTS SHOW WAS TAPED IF YOU WANT A COPY OF IT!
Cap: Was it? Oh god, it wasn't very good, you shouldn't have taped it.
IT WAS COMICAL!
Cap: Was it?
REALLY WORTHWHILE COMING UP FOR
Cap: Was it really?! You sure about this? He's alright this geezer isn't he?! There's no accounting for taste. No, you shouldn't have taped that, that was only our first one, it'll be much better in future.
YOU SHOULD PLAY GLASGOW
Cap: I'll play anywhere as long as the cash is there!
HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT?
Cap: Oh, two and a half grand I suppose…
HA HA HA
Cap: Two? A grand seventy five? It's a deal right? Come on, haggle! Ha ha ha!
DO YOU STILL LIKE YOUR STRONG BEER?
Cap: Eh, yeah, I do
PLAY SHEFFIELD, FROG AND PARROT, THE STRONGEST BEER IN THE WORLD!
[CAP SHOWING OFF HIS BADGES]
Cap: I've never seen one of these before, I think it's a really good badge. [DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS!] It gets the fucking loony lefties in, Karl Marx and all that gear… fucking wankers, fucking Tory bastards [IT'S A BIT UNCLEAR WHAT THE HELL CAP IS TALKING ABOUT HERE!]
ARE YOU GETTING MORE EXTREME AS TIME GOES BY?
Cap: No, I'm a nice guy!
[BACK TO TALKING ABOUT LETTERS]
WOULD IT BE BETTER TO WRITE TO YOUR HOME ADDRESS?
Cap: No, you can't have my home address.
GOT IT ANYWAY!
Cap: Have you?! Write to me there then!
YOU GAVE IT TO US ALL AT A GIG ONCE!
Cap: Oh god, what a wanker, ha ha ha.
YOU DIDN'T REPLY WHEN I WROTE!
Cap: I don't reply to letters, I read 'em though, I don't reply, I can't reply. 
[AT THIS POINT CAP FOUND A DISGUSTING YELLOW CAGOUL]
Cap: Cap'n Birdseye, ha ha shiplads, I tell ya. Have you ever heard the story about Gary Numan and Dave Vanian?
OH YEAH!
Cap: Oh I won't tell that one then!
COME ON, TELL IT AGAIN, STRIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH!
Cap: All that happened was, right, in this fucking club, I told Gary Numan "Vanian's coming over now to have a go at you 'cos he thinks you've stolen his image", and I said to Dave "Gary's a really nice bloke, why don't you go and shake hands with him!" So Dave goes walking over to Gary Numan, and Gary Numan hides under a table!
THAT WAS IN JAMMING THAT INTERVIEW
Cap: Was it? It's true!
THERE WAS THE INTERVIEW WITH YOU, AND WHEN YOU WENT ROUND TO JON MOSS' HOUSE YOU HAD TO TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES 
Cap: Well Jon Moss is a fucking little rich kid isn't he? I'm not saying that because of… you know… I wish I was rich. Nah, Moss is a bit of a snob. No, he's alright actually, he's not a snob actually, not like Siouxsie of the Banshees. She's fucking terrible. Moss is alright compared to here.
YOU MENTIONED BEFORE THAT THE ALBUM WAS GONNA BE A DOUBLE… IS THAT STILL TRUE?
Cap: Oh yeah, definite. One album shit, one album good stuff, ha ha.
AND THAT COULD BE OUT ANYTIME?
Cap: It's probably gonna be out in January or February. But there's gonna be singles before then. The 12" is the one to get if you like all the chaos.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT SINGLE SLEEVES… HERE'S MY SALES PITCH… WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT PICTURES?
Cap: What 'ave you got that I want?
DO YOU WANT ANY NICE TRAIN PICTURES?
Cap: What have you got?
WELL I WORK FOR A PHOTO LIBRARY…
Cap: Oh that's interesting… where do you live?
DO YOU WANT MY CARD?
Cap: Oh, I've already got it…
NO YOU'VE GOT HIS [CAP HAD BEEN GETTING A LOT OF ADDRESSES!]
Cap: all you fucking turds… you have fucking cards! Not like the old days is it? You'd go oh fucking hell write it on a bus ticket. Jesus Christ! When I wake up tomorrow I'll think "fucking hell wots this all about?". [WRITING ON CARD] "Sean fat cunt, library of snaps and trains". That'll do, I'll remember you after that! How about you buying me a drink?
OK, I'LL BUY YOU A DRINK!
Cap: Right, where's the bar, ha ha ha!

[AND THAT WAS IT, OFF WE WENT!]